Testing, 1, 2, 3...

With this new perspective comes a change of venue. The college I was attending, University of the People, showed its true colors to me in my last term there. The course was psychology-based, and the discrepancies in information delivery was disparaging. The problems came with the management. My attempts to get answers were often either dismissed, ignored, or misinterpreted. I had to bring several poor source materials to light, and was told by my professor that I should approach another department at the school's main office. After writing a lengthy email containing the documented issues, I never got a response. I began to look into local community colleges and 4-year universities. Within the 6th week of this 9-week term, I found out that the credits I had from UoPeople would not transfer to most colleges. I immediately stopped logging in and attempting to pass that class. Soon after, I filed official withdrawal from the college. The new venue is a local community college J S...

This current college course relies heavily on the ability to understand oneself, so as to understand others and increase in emotional intelligence. Some back story: I am not exceptionally well-versed in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator  yet I have been aware of it for several years and taken various versions of 'assessments' from a number of online hosts to gather my own "type" as well as to rule out some bias and algorithm discrepancy that might be present in the testing. My results would only slightly vary. From what I understand (fueled by this historical snippet ), a guy named Carl Jung developed the first section of this personality metric that included 3 categories. Later, a mother-daughter duo made some updates to the system and added a 4th category (Judging/Perceiving). It appears that a 5th category has been introduced by some, as used by the website 16Personalities . Even with all 5 criterion, I am not convinced that we have completed this system. This curren...

It is here, I find myself, at the reignition of progress. After a brief hiatus from most things related to computers and education, I spent a good deal of the summer focussing on trudging through the medication regimen and gaining in ability, cognition, and strength, as well as spending quality time with my kids. I can say that having a more clear mind allows me to take this current fall term in college head-on and without as much distain. I also found solace in the option to enroll in an elective that has lower stakes. This gives me more time to reacquaint myself to the system of learning, the particular demands of this college, and the balance of other household duties that are inherent of not being disabled from illness. This is a good point to mention that this might well be my last month on antibiotics. I have shown a lot of improvement, and my doctor does not administer final testing due to the likely residual presence of antibodies that indicate Lyme. Essentially, we will have...

This serves to mark the beginning of the end. At least of this year of college. I have applied for and been granted a Leave of Absence for the next term (term 5 is kinda like summer break anyway..). I would like to have the benefit of an extra term to make more progress toward my degree, but there are a few conditions that have made my decision almost too easy. I am getting more frustrated, burned out, with college in general. There were so many points in this term that either didn't make sense or felt like it was made intentionally harder than it needed to be. Instead of letting this hatred for the concept of computer science grow, I want to allow some distance and time for it to dissipate. I am having a harder time with lyme treatment than I thought I would have, and as such need the time away from school, including the stress involved with weekly deadlines, to really find healing. I am not entirely sure if the antibiotics/lyme are making me more irritable or if the class/pr...

I have just completed the second month of antibiotic treatment for lyme, and am showing potential signs of improvement. None of my healing is what I would consider linear, but rather in the shape of a waveform. I have crests and troughs. Unlike a good sine-wave, it is not smooth and continuous but has jolts and unpredictable changes to the pattern. So more like an electrocardiograph, which is far more fitting anyway. I experienced some mild insomnia, paranoia, and general dysphoria throughout the passed week or so. This was combined with more lucid dreaming, even ones that would continue where I left off in a previous nap. This culminated in the development of a (so far) mild case of a traditional cold. This is frustrating to me: I am on so many forms of medication and vitamin/mineral supplements, yet nothing can prevent me from catching additional forms of disease. I don't enjoy perpetuating a sense of dread or hopelessness in each of my blogs about lyme. I do this mostly to chron...

I had the fortune of seeing Iron and Wine perform with an orchestra. Samuel Beam played a really good show. I was very glad I was able to attend. The first half was a special concert that incorporated a majority of the songs from the album  Our Endless Numbered Days . I have a few reactions, and also suggest picking up a copy of this record. Initially, I expected, well, I didn't know what I expected. As we got closer to the location, The Kennedy Center , I began thinking more about the potential course of the event. The venue has a way of sculpting your foresight. I had never been to this place before, and had not looked at pictures, so it was a truly real-time reaction. What a building! Both inside and out, this is an amazing structure. Starting off in the parking garage underneath the facility, we enter through a clever tunnel into a grassy knoll which has an impressively expansive parking arrangement. We had the fortune of finding a spot very close to the elevators. The ent...

Sometimes, college just sucks. I barely made any progress in school this week, and the excessive failures (documented) show. The majority of the issue is brain fog and sleeping, which keeps me from actively addressing these assignments. I even just wrote a sappy "Learning Journal" entry to lament on the lack of success, and the fear that the missing elements from these syntactical learnings will negatively impact me in the coming weeks. To summarize, the week focussed on ADTs in Java, working with stacks and queues, and creating, sorting, and counting binary trees. I absolutely understand the principal of what is going on, but converting it to code simply makes no sense. I honestly felt like I was doing better physically. Now I'm just rather bitchy.

I had the fortune of seeing Neil deGrasse Tyson this week at the Altria . "Looking for Life in the Universe" or something was the title. I didn't actually know it had a title until he began speaking. He said, "Oh wow, this talk has a title! I was on the front of the building." I honestly didn't expect a title, because I didn't expect for him to have much of a spearheaded monologue instead of a colloquial lecture. Lo and Behold, he introduced himself and declared, "You are about to sit through a two-hour astrophysics lecture." I was able to take away two concepts that I (likely?) would not have gathered from just  reading his books. It was these two concepts, along with the simple privilege of being in the presence of and hearing the professed knowledge of an intelligent individual. I would also like to include a 'note-to-self' to follow-up and actually read some of his books. The first concept was based on the differences between...

Today, I joined some friends in mourning the untimely death of a friend and brother. In honor of privacy, I continue to keep (most) things anonymous. This was a friend from my earlier life. Most of these friends are from my earlier life. Some of the friendships have been allowed to continue into my current life, but only a select few. The process of changing from devout-Christian to non-religious and non-monogamous doesn't leave much in the line of similarities. I don't want to worship like they do. I don't know how to have a similar worldview. I sometimes find it hard to explain the way I view relationships and love. There was love here, for this departed friend. I also felt a lot of cynicism (naturally) because so much of the assurance and comfort given was placed in religion. I went to show my love and support for this family, and I do not shame them for their beliefs. I do not agree with the level of religious fluff that was added (all but an altar call, get it?) ...

I wanted to begin with some of the inspirational thoughts I've been having regarding technology. Obviously, I'm investing quite a bit of mental capacity into learning about modern computers and programming, but I am also trying to wrap my head around the most basic concepts at the same time to help me process my, as I call it, "4-Dimensional Understanding" of computation and computer-aided controls. Yes, I said computer-aided. I recently watched an awesome video about What Computers Can't Do  by The Royal Institute featuring Kevin Buzzard giving a lecture on.. control? Please, please, watch it. I wish I could have him as a direct source of knowledge. I wish to collaborate with such incredibly brilliant people. The purpose of this video is to express where we are now in understanding of what we can and can not do. He references a few key elements in mathematics and their respective 'proofing' times (when a theorem was created, proved, and/or disproved) ...

I was able to complete my first week of Term 4 on time, and, in my opinion, with good content. I fear I may have gone a little overboard with the theoretical direction of my Discussion Forum contribution.. It was a simple question: Who is responsible for catching errors and handling errors in programs, the computer or the computer program? My response was based on conditions, three of which left the responsibility on the programmer. I eventually made it to declaring between the computer and program, but it felt like a means to answer the question for the grade and not the truth. The problem being that I feel the question is flawed. In the end it was a good thing, because it spurred a great dialogue with a peer. I saved the contents of that thread because I want to be able to look back on that in the future. A lot of my perspective dealt with the intentions of computers in the first place, and the layers of abstraction/protection that are in place before we even get to the program. ...

I can feel the poison in my lips. I can feel the emptiness in my chest. I express the ugly from my lungs. I carry the weight in my knees. I explore the uncertainty in my dreams. I swallow the keys to this cocoon every day. I will emerge.

Today marks the first day of Term 4 at UoPeople. I'm only taking one course this term since I don't know how I will feel physically (and last term sucked). Right away, I went to see who my instructor is and what kind of work load to expect. Mind you, I am dealing with intense stomach cramping and a headache that will not go away while trying to "get excite" about school. The instructor is a Japanese woman (much excite, on the heals of the first photo of a black hole being revealed this week, at the hand of a female scientist), and the course load looks a bit dense compared to last term (CS 1102). I am not remotely in the mood to start with the assignments, but at least I got my checklist ready. In addition to being sick and tired and just wanting to be in bed, I broke the charger for the Macbook Pro, so I have to be easy on how much I use it since I'm now sharing a charger with my partner. As a result, I am back on the desktop for a while. It is a good thi...

I generally frown at the phrase "TMI" Too Much Information. Can that actually  be a thing? I suppose you could come up with answers like, "If we are at war and someone gives valuable information (secrets) to the enemy.." But I struggle to understand how something can, in other areas, cause damage  because the amount of information was simply too much. If we eat too much , if we drink too much ,  too much  of anything is a bad thing. Not so with information. What we call "too much information" is simply when we are getting very intimate and personal about something in our lives. "I went to the doctor and, well, this may be TMI, but..." is such a common phrase. And yet we STILL SAY IT. It is as though we are trying to be less intimate on purpose. What a waste. This is not so much about that, but rather the information that you might deem "too much" from me upon hearing it. (Take note of the moodiness, a little gift from one of the...

Suffice to say I am angry. I have been drug around by the state health care system for this entire year. After being "approved" for coverage in December by the federal government, and then subsequently approved in January by the state government, I have yet to receive member cards so that I can actually use this insurance. None of this would be a huge deal if all I was trying to bill for was the usual STD/STI screenings. However, the cost of Lyme Disease treatments are going to be high, after already having paid for the litany of herbal supplements, the initial doctor visit, and the official Igenex testing that diagnosed Lyme Disease. I feel like I accomplished a lot, and got nothing to show for it. I was dropped off at (what I thought was the right address) Social Services, which turns out is only the national branch and not the local one. After the officer at that desk tried so hard to get me the right address, I set out to walk five or six blocks to the next building,...

Today, I was able to see the official results of my Lyme testing. The doctor(s) think it is only a Lyme infection, and will begin treatment with 3 different antibiotics ASAP. Included is two probiotics to keep my gut flora from being completely fucked, as this treatment will last several months. I found a lovely app called Medisafe that let's me keep track of all my medication and dosages, along with their schedule. In addition, I have "accoutabilibuddies" that get notifications when I don't take my medicine. Fun. Seriously.

As stated in my About Me, I am a college kid. I started a degree program toward a Bachelor's of Computer Science in the fall of 2018, which collided with my falling out due to Lyme Disease . The initial courses were: *Term 1, College Basics *Term 2, Programming Basics *Term 3, College Algebra and Programming 1 *Term 4, (scheduled) Programming 2 This passed Sunday I completed the final exams for term 3 (or as I was thinking earlier, "partook in the ritual known as 'finals'") and I'm not happy with them. Math was only 10 questions, and I get the feeling I did not do too well on either exam. I will have final grades in a week or so, and know whether I passed either course. The way the grades are accessible is extremely poorly crafted and very limited. I can see weighted totals that include 0's for assignments that are missing, which includes all assignments from week 1-8, even if it is the first week of the course. Effectively, I have no idea what my ...

Tonight, I had the pleasure of seeing the Broadway version of The Book of Mormon at the Altria . It was a good show, and definitely had plenty of opportunities to be offended. I also did not look into the show before seeing it. So within the first few moments, I was hearing the voice that reminded me of South Park . Of course, Trey Parker is involved in the creation of the show (and Matt Stone , naturally) and the giant tour bus even said, "From the creators of South Park" in giant letters. So many suspicions confirmed in a relatively blindsided fashion. Along with the similar cadence and vocal emulation of a standard South Park episode (I swear there were some intentional phrases said in particularly familiar voices) were the same kinds of antics that one expects (think innuendo). Lots of religious, sexual orientation-based, and racial mockery, all in comedic timing. I greatly appreciated seeing so many men with so much talent that is not profusely masculine. In fact I ...

My blood results were officially positive for Lyme Disease the other day. I have not seen the actual results yet, but was at least informed by my doctor about how she did look at them and will send them to me soon. I remember seeing this movie about healing with a mind/body connection ( HEAL , I watched it on Netflix ) and they mentioned at one part how everyone responds to the "prognosis" with some kind of negative reaction, as though it is inherently human to be afraid of a course of treatment. I initially balked at that, because I was thinking about my own situation and how I would not have a negative reaction. I would finally be getting a name to call my affliction. Since mid-August or 2018 I have been without a proper name. I felt a combination of things at that exact moment. For one, I was emotional about having evidence that something foreign was acting upon me. It was vindicating. It was empowering. For two, I was scared of the (still) pending prognosis - not scared...

New Beginnings, and all that shit.. I had an older blog, and most of it was from my perspective as I questioned my religion, or rather as I tried to express my religious understandings to other people, with an intended audience of religious peers. That was actually really easy, and I could probably do that again if I had religious feelings again. But that is not the intention now. I talked with one of my partners about how I haven't written in a long time, and that is heavily coupled to the ways that I used to author in the first place. It was an hour-long conversation, so I'll spare too many details. I was writing for someone else, and not for myself. With that in mind, I will be writing for myself and not so much for others (after this post). Cheers